The Gift I Can’t Give Myself
I hold up the mirror for others all the time—clients, teammates, athletes. I just can’t seem to look in it myself. This post explores what it means to help others see their potential while still wrestling with your own.
There’s this quote I’ve seen floating around:
“If I could give you one gift, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you.”
Beautiful. Poetic. Haunting.
And honestly, it wrecks me a little.
Because that’s the exact gift I’ve spent most of my adult life not having.
Even now, I still can’t see myself the way others describe me.
And yet… I give that gift to others all the time.
In coaching. In consulting. In late-night texts with friends or quiet 1:1s with teammates.
That’s the job: to reflect back the version of themselves they’ve grown into, even if they haven’t caught up to it yet.
I’m good at it.
Maybe because I know what it’s like to need it.
This dissonance—between how we see ourselves and how others experience us—isn’t just a personal thing.
It shows up everywhere in leadership.
- The brilliant IC who doesn’t see herself as “strategic” because she’s never been told.
- The veteran tech lead who doesn’t think of himself as a mentor, even though half the team leans on his guidance.
- The client who says “I’m not a leader,” while leading a department of 40 people through chaos with steady hands.
I’ve been all of them.
Still am, depending on the day.
The more I reflect on my own gap—on not recognizing the “you’re YOU” version others talk about—the more I want to refine this muscle.
Not just to help myself, but to bring that clarity back into the way I coach and lead.
Because when you can’t see yourself clearly, you end up underplaying your impact.
And when others can’t see themselves clearly, they do the same.
So maybe that’s the real leadership skill:
Not just offering direction—but holding up the mirror.
Even if you're still learning how to look in it yourself.
